I feel really good tonight. Peaceful.
For a long time now, things have been happening to me. Things over which I had little to no control.
Thanks in large part to my therapist, I have been slowly sifting through the aftermath. In my anger and frustration, two major things happened. The first is that I attempted to take control over any tiny thing I could get my hands on, so that I could feel like at least here were a few things that I could predict, that wouldn't come out from under me unexpectedly.
The second, paradoxically, is I became passive in many important ways. I never actually thought to myself "well, there is nothing I can do to change what's going on around me so I give up." It was not that simple. It was a much slower process. The end result was the same. I have been lax in searching for work, lax in taking the next step toward realizing my dream of teaching as a career. I have stopped exercising.
Lately I have even been giving up eating and sleeping nearly as much as I should, although neither of those were necessarily conscious decisions.
My circumstances were, at one point, terrible. Some people did some really awful things to me, and some very awful things happened that were no fault of anyone's. I recognize that my reaction was normal, and that, normal or not, understandable or not, I now have to deal with the consequences of those reactions.
I have, at times, acted in ways that were unseemly, careless, even cruel. I tried to convince myself that it was a result of my circumstances and not my fault, while at the same time becoming more and more furious with myself for what I had become. As such, I have a lot to answer for to several people.
There are also some who get to answer to me for their wrongdoings.
The anger is gone. The anger at those who wronged me, and the anger at myself. The time for anger is long past, and the time for positive, constructive action is long overdue. Now that the storm is over, it is time to center myself, take command of my own life again, and begin moving in a positive direction. Not all of the decisions will be easy, and some of them will require swallowing large amounts of pride or endangering dear friendships.
However, I feel like I finally understand what has to be done to get on with my life, and for the first time in over a year, I feel like I am in control of my own destiny.